There is such a great sense of urgency and agitation within me at the moment. It feels like a two headed monster. The one is an authentic desire to help people. The other is an ego led need to be ahead of others. A fear of missing out or missing the ‘Mindfulness bus’.
After my first eight week course with Mark Joseph in Johannesburg about seven years ago, I knew how powerful the tools we gain from this practice are. The course opened up a Pandoras box of recognising my own thought processes. Over the years of co-facilitating with Kerri at The Waterfall Retreat Centre, attending ten day retreats with incredible teachers like Rob Nairn, Choden and Heather Regan Addis from The Mindfulness Association my understanding has deepened and clarified.
I continue to learn. My greatest obstacle is maintaining a daily, formal practice. My greatest benefit has been incorporating Mindfulness into everything I do. It doesn’t always work mind you. I still fly off the handle in reaction to things my loving husband says.
Once I received the nod from my teachers and mentors at Mindfulness Africa to teach the eight week course, I froze. I have been wanting to do this for so long and my reaction to the recognition I received was to freeze with fear. It’s a response I am all too familiar with, but I honestly didn’t expect it in this scenario.
All the ‘usual’ anxieties – I’m not good enough, I’m not strong enough, I’m not enough – acted like super glue and I hid behind the excuse of, “I don’t have time because of my son”.
Going back to my current agitation and two headed monster… Trawling through social media I keep finding people offering Mindfulness courses and classes for adults and kids, or seeing awesome Yoga retreats that my peers are offering. The ego led monster is green. I am jealous of their success and feel a terrible sense of missing out.
Why is it on the one hand I often feel like I am not enough, but then on the other there is a sense that I could do better than others. To me it feels like both of these are coming from the same place, and it’s a place I don’t like and a monster I don’t want to feed.
So I turn my attention to the other head (or perhaps heart?)… The authentic desire to want to help others. Perhaps this is what I need to nurture. And the compassion practices I have learned in my training will be the perfect nourishment.
I am offering my first eight week Mindfulness Based Living course starting in May. There are two options. One is in Musgrave at The Toolbox on a Wednesday morning, the other in Umhlanga at Guru Cat on Tuesday evenings. Please get in touch if you have the desire to deepen your understanding of your own mind. Other benefits include stress reduction and improved concentration to name but a few.