I thought writing a blog would be easy. I have so many ongoing conversations in my head! But actually putting them down into some sort of form is terrifying. It feels as though it might solidify my thoughts and feelings and I don’t want that.
The past few months have been so hard. Very heavy. I had a virus which my son then got and manifested into Croup, and then of course my husband got it. We all survived and got better, but I still feel so dark. It’s not a constant, just an underlying shadow of weight and discontent and fear. (And to be honest it was there before we even got sick.)
We did have a fantastic time at Three Cranes and you can read all about it here. There are happy times and I do smile and laugh at moments, but still there is a nagging. Like the burned bottom of a well used pot. It still functions perfectly well, but you are aware of a dark layer of sooty, sticky black stuff. (I need bleach!?)
I know this feeling. I know it well. And I know the remedy too – my Yoga and meditation practices. But I have no will. I have no desire or drive to use my time more wisely beyond watching another episode of Orphan Black.
Part of me ( the cynic) says, ” So what? What’s wrong with doing nothing? Isn’t that what we strive for in Meditation?” And then there is the almighty crack of, ” HELL NO! Just do it! Get up off your butt and do it!.” This is the voice of Self Compassion in my opinion. When I hear this inner voice I imagine it coming from some celestial being with kind eyes and warm hands. But it’s not enough. Not yet anyway.
I really hope she is persistent and doesn’t give up on me! I know deep down things will change and there will be more lightness in my darkness. But it’s hard.
Thank you for allowing me this indulgence.